So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
