dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
