she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
