Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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