I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
