my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
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my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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