my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
