you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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