ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
