you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
