he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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