rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
