my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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