I cannot find my penis.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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