wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
