And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
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Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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