I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
