This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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