yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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