I just threw up on my dentist
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You've changed since you got that strap on
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
