1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
