im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
