the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
