im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
