What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The beer is more important than you right now.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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