i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
