I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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