My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
