i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
