Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
