question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
