I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
