Can i not drive my cunt home
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
