This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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