I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
