i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
