Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There r osticjed everywhere
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
