Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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