I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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