We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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