I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
