I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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