I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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