I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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