Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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