I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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