you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
