hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
