I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
