you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
