if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
