btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
