omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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