I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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